Sunday, February 28, 2010

god help me, ive come undone.

I know i dont really talk about my religion or praise jesus as much as most people do but right now, more than ever im crying out for him to hear me and respond with some miracle that will restore my faith in him.
My aunt leeann came to froedert hospital a little over a week ago with weakness to her left side and lose of vision. the doctors thought she was having mini strokes so they decided to scan her head and saw that her aneurysms we huge so they decided to do the surgery to get them out. we heard that it went well but after the surgery she had a stroke so they put her into an induced coma and cooled her body down so her brain could recover and for the swelling to decrease. come to find out the pressure was increasing so the only option they had was to remove part of the skull so her brain had more room to expand without causing more damage. that surgery went fine so they were watching her pressure and slowly raising her body temperature. then the beginning of this week they started to notice some signs of the pneumonia so they were aggressively giving her antibiotics. they did more ct scans of her brain and decided to remove part of her brain in the front because it was completely dead. good news to that was that people who have had that part of their brain removed could live normal lives without any complications with speech or other functions. so after that surgery they scanned her head and saw that after that surgery she had another stroke on the other side of her brain. the doctors decided to leave her alone for a couple days and scan her head on sunday and reevaluate her then. so saturday the doctors called a family meeting and showed all her scans and were explaining all this stuff about her being disabled if she does wake up from this. so far we know that the right side of her brain is 60 percent affected with stoke and that means her left side of her body will be paralyzed but more so in her leg then her arm and she would only be able to look to her right side. and the left side of her brain is a sliver in the front affected with some stroke, which is good because the left side controls speech and breathing functions and that wasnt damaged. but now her doctor is saying they have done all they can and suggests pulling her breathing tube and letting her die the hell is basically suffocating to death dignified? shes a young strong woman whose body is still willing to fight. hes not giving her any time to heal. she still has brain function and her numbers are still really good. we are not ready to give up on her and obviously her body isnt either. leeann will tell us when shes ready to go and shes really the only one who can make that decision.
my mom and my older sister think they have been given signs to keep fighting for leeann. my mom told us of her dream she had where shes walking in a field and in the distance she can see leeann, and she yelling something to my mom, and once my mom gets close enough to hear her she says "give me time" and then my mom wakes up.
my sister one night leaving the hospital gets into her car and hears a song on the radio called "give me a sign" by breaking benjamin. "no longer the lost. no longer the same. and i can see you starting to break. i'll keep you alive if you show me the way."

my chest feels like someone is constantly sitting on it pushing all my air out till im gasping to catch my breath. my eyes are heavy from no sleep and tears i hold back so i can look strong for my mom and my aunts and my grandma and my aunts husband and children and my brother and sisters and dad and the nurse barb whose taking care of her and esp leeann because once my aunt wakes up and finds out we have all been crying she will kick our asses. i suck at consoling people esp when its something this bad so i feel like i have to not cry to make up for the comforting words im not saying.

i need some salvation to keep from falling apart.

Friday, February 12, 2010


Its been quite awhile since Ive updated this thing. Oodles and oodles have happened in my life, but ive been working so much i havent had time to slow down and since valentines day is this weekend, ill be even more busy at hellmark. =/ also trying to juggle my new fella while things at home are somewhat horrible has been kind of a feat for me, and im glad hes been there even though this isnt how i wanted the first part of our relationship to be....heh.
going back to the topic of vday, i still havent fully finished seans gifts but im glad we're having a belated vday because i have to work all day sunday so this will give me more time to finish everything. =]
alright well if i dont get back on this thing before.. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY LOVES!!